Deviation (Deviate Series) Page 6
I unlock the door, and as I’m turning around walking back to the closet, the door is pushed open and I’m tackled. I don’t even register what’s happening until its too late. My face hits the tile floor and I feel warmth falling from my nose. I lift my head off the floor to see a pool of blood and the way each drop of blood falling from my nose adds to it, making it grow bigger and bigger. I raise my hand to my face to touch my nose and move it away. Yup, it’s definitely coming from my nose.
“Shit,” Angel says while he gets off me.
I’m still on the floor transfixed on the pool of my blood. I hate blood but I can’t look away. It’s like I’m frozen but my mind is going a mile a minute trying to recall something. Sirens are screaming their way through my head, voices yelling, and then there’s a light in front of my face. I look around me and see that I’m in a car, my sister is next to me but she’s not moving. The blanket that was in my lap is filled with blood. Her blood, my blood, a pool of blood and then I’m being ripped away.
“Nevaeh! Nevaeh look at me!” He screams.
I blink a few times and then look up at him. Terror fills his face as he covers my nose with a towel and pulls me up, sitting me on the edge of the tub. He grabs another towel and covers up the blood, bringing me back to the present. I get up and walk to the sink. I remove the towel and rinse the remaining blood from my nose and hands.
“I’m so sorry! I didn’t think I was coming at you that hard. I just wanted you to come out of the closet and eat. I knew if I waited you would lock yourself back up,” Angel says so fast that I barely understood it at all.
I clear my throat and wince, “It’s not a big deal, Angel, don’t worry about it.” My voice is still raspy like I’ve been a smoker for years. “If it’ll make you feel better I won’t go back into the closet.”
He sighs, shoulders relaxing as he walks up to me. He brings his hands up to my face tilting my head back to make sure I’m not bleeding anymore. He touches around my nose making sure I’m okay and I just shrug. The corners of his lips turn up slightly and I can feel his lips on mine again. My face flushes as I move my eyes to his and try to step back. His hands don’t fall from my face like I thought they would. Instead he steps forward, keeping that same distance. I can see he’s trying to make a decision and for once, I feel hope. It’s this unexplainable burst of light in the dark.
His hand slides down my arm to rest on my hip as his other slides to the back of my neck and knots in my hair. My mind is telling me to push back, to move, but my heart is telling me to stay. I stand there as his face inches closer and his lips meet mine in a slow kiss. The moment his lips meet mine everything disappears, everything. My hands move up to hook around his neck and I pull him closer to me. It’s a slow kiss, a kiss that means more than it should, than it possibly could, right? His hand has moved to my lower back pulling me toward him and I moan at the contact. He bites my bottom lip then soothes the bite with a swipe of his tongue causing me to open my mouth.
He angles his head, deepening the kiss as our tongues dance around each other. The kiss is becoming needier as we stay locked together. His hand is now under my shirt, caressing my back, sending goose bumps all over my body. Just when I’m about to move my hand to his shirt to pull it off he breaks the kiss. With the both of us breathing heavy he rests his head against mine, eyes closed, and arms around me.
As much as I want to continue what we were on the verge of doing, I’m glad he stopped us. I’m lost and I fear I might be falling for this guy I don’t know. I was with Timo for about four years and he never made me feel like this. He never took away the thoughts or cravings like Angel is doing. The only thing I find myself craving is him and that scares me more than craving drugs. Angel could leave me, he could be the final thing to break me to the point of no return and there’s nothing I could do to stop that. He’s so far under my skin in a matter of what, three, four days? I’m terrified of what’s going to happen at the end of the week.
I step away from him and feel panic setting in. That suffocating feeling I get is full blown and I’m trying to catch my breath, but can’t. I collapse on my knees as I try to calm down but it’s only making it worse. I can feel him behind me. I can hear him telling me to take a deep breath and to let it out, over and over again. It’s not working this time. I start to crawl away from him when he bends down in front of me, demanding I look at him. I try to avoid his gaze but then he grabs my face forcing me to look at him. His eyes capture mine and he says, “Just breathe, baby.”
Baby? For some reason that does the trick, I start calming down and my breathing becomes normal. Then I get angry. I have no reason to be angry, I know that, but lashing out is what I do. It’s what kept me alive. I lash out at the only person that cares about me.
“I’m not your baby. Don’t ever call me that again. And while you’re at it, don’t ever kiss me again.” I push away from him and want to retreat to my cave but he’s too close. So I settle for going into the room and sitting in the bean bag chair.
He doesn’t say anything as he walks out of the bathroom. He doesn’t even look at me. He just walks out of the room shutting the door behind him. I didn’t think I could possibly feel any worse than I did yesterday when he pulled me out of the pool, but apparently I can. I keep telling him I’m going to break his heart, maybe he’ll eventually believe me and let me go to ruin my life the way I’ve been doing. Maybe then he’ll see that he’s too good for me like I know he is.
Push. That’s what I do. I push anyone and everyone that could possibly ever care about me away. I alienate myself to the point where no one wants to be around me. It’s easier that way.
Chapter 9
The sun is starting to set on another day. That means I have only a day and a few hours left with Angel. One more day to stay in my room to avoid him, to hate him, to do everything I can but let myself get attached to him. There’s no rehab for that. He’s an addiction even if he doesn’t know it. He’s the worse kind and best kind of addiction rolled into one sexy package.
As the light in the room gets dimmer and dimmer I wait to see if he’s going to come back, but he doesn’t. Good. It’s now dark outside and I’m aware of every movement in the house. I can hear him in the kitchen and as he walks to his room, he pauses at my door, but then continues on and my heart sinks. It’s what I wanted. I wanted him to keep his distance but a part of me hoped he wouldn’t. That’s the part of me that I’m upset with, that’s currently using every cuss word under the sun to tell myself off.
I get up off the bean bag and go to the window. It looks beautiful outside. I wonder if I could sneak out the back door so I can sit on the deck and look up at the sky. I make my way to the door as quietly as I can, turn the nob and look in the direction of his room. His door is shut and I can hear the TV on so I slip out, shutting the door quietly. I stand still for a moment and then tip toe to the kitchen. As I open the door I grab a jacket hanging on the back of the chair and step onto the deck. I slip it on as I lower myself into one of the lounge chairs and look up. I start connecting stars, making silly shapes the way my little sister and I used to do when we would camp in the backyard. I smile at the memory and then think how I must be disappointing her. I think how angry she would be with me if she could speak to me. Then I become angry with myself because what if she was alive? What kind of role model would I be right now? A tear slides down my face.
That’s when everything shifts in my mind. That’s when I know I’m not going to go back to doing drugs or drinking. I’m going to be someone my sister would be proud of. I’m going to be that daughter my parents would show off to their friends or colleagues, because I can be. Maybe then I can be good enough for Angel. First I have to stay until the week is up and then find a job. I smile a real smile, one that I know is reaching my eyes if I could see it.
I’m so deep in my thoughts, drifting away, thinking about all the things I can do, that I don’t hear him come outside. I look over at him standing by the door and my
heart beat stutters. The moonlight cascading over him gives him this ethereal glow. It’s like he matches up to his name, Angel, my guardian Angel. I smile at him and I can see the confusion on his face. I laugh and his brows furrow. I pat the space next to me; he looks hesitant but walks over and sits down.
“I don’t think I’ve told you properly, but thank you.” He attempts to say something but I put my hand up and continue, “Thank you for standing up for me against Timo and for approaching me that night at the lake. Thank you for taking a chance on me and bringing me to your home. Thank you for offering your help, for dressing and undressing me when I couldn’t.” His face turns scarlet but I continue, “Thank you for bringing me back from the other side, thank you for showing me that a kiss could mean more than a prelude to sex. But most of all thank you for making me realize that things can get better.” I lean over and kiss his cheek.
I can see him processing everything I just said, trying to formulate a reply. “Why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye then?”
“I guess in a way I am. I mean in what, a little under a day and a half, it’ll be a full week and you’ll be free of me,” I say quietly.
He’s studying my face, eyes searching my own, looking for something that I hope he can’t see. He does though. I can see it when it registers in his eyes because they smile.
“What if I said you could stay here? I know you’re going to want to leave but you can stay here until you have enough saved to get your own place. I can even put a good word in wherever you go to apply.” He’s hopeful and playing slightly dirty.
I laugh. “Oh, Angel, I don’t know if that would be a good idea, I mean I love your house but I don’t know.”
“Well I think it’s a good idea, besides where else can you go that will keep you on the right path?” He asks.
Damn it. I hate when he’s right and his cockiness shows. Can I do it? Can I live with him without showing my true feelings? Only one way to find out, “Fine, just for right now though and I’ll leave as soon as I can. Deal?”
“Deal,” he sticks his hand out for me to shake.
I shake his hand trying to ignore the tingles that spread through me with our contact. I groan inward, knowing this is going to be the sweetest torture possible. Flirting never hurt anyone as long as we don’t take it past that. Friends can flirt, right? He turns away from me looking around the yard, a smile is playing across his lips and I can’t help but smile too.
Oh hell what did I get myself into? This is going to be a totally different game and I have no idea how to play it. I just hope we both come out in one piece.
We sit next to each other in a comfortable silence, charged with desire. Looking at the stars, I can feel his gaze sweeping over my body, always lingering on my face until I smile. Then he looks away and I stare at him until he looks at me. Each stare makes the air around us thicker and I have no idea how we are going able to keep our hands to ourselves. I have to literally sit on my hands so I don’t reach out and run my fingers through his hair.
All of a sudden, Angel stands up and walks inside but I’m not ready to go in. I plan to stay out here all night looking at the stars, making plans under them. I sink lower in my chair and start to fall asleep. I’m being moved to a sitting position and then lowered again. My head is on a hard chest as a blanket covers us. I bring my left hand to rest on his chest and curl myself into him, sighing. I feel his chuckle and I smile digging my head into his chest more as his arms wrap around me securing me to him. I allow myself to feel safe and secure in his embrace, knowing that when I wake up he will be there next to me. With a kiss to the top of my head, I fall a little more as I slip into the darkness that accompanies sleep.
*******
It takes one day to realize the relationship you’re in isn’t healthy and leave. Two days to realize you’re as pathetic as the asshole you stayed with. Three days to get a combination of drugs out of your system. Four days to wish life would end so you take matters into your own hands. Five days to be saved. It takes a week to realize everything each of those days has in common, are the vibrant blue eyes that are staring at me right now. A week. Just one week to see that I’m broken but not unfixable, one week to realize everything doesn’t come with a price. One week to fall in love with love. One week to fall in love with you.
Who meets someone and falls in love in a week? Is love a controllable emotion? If I walk away right now will the love I think I feel disappear? Just the thought of walking away makes my stomach clenching in anxiety and my heart race. No. No, I couldn’t walk away and hope this feeling would disappear. The thing is, does he feel the same way? I feel it in his kiss, the way he kisses the top of my head. In the way he looks at me, seeing me, not the pretty package on the outside. He sees the me that lies within. He doesn’t know all the specifics, but he knows I have a past and he still looks at me like… like I’m the sun.
I keep searching Angel’s face for that thing that’s going to give something, anything away, but he just sits there with the most adorable smirk on his face, content, and dare I say happy. Happy, like he’s the one who has won this amazing prize and can’t stop staring at its magnificence. He’s wrong though. He didn’t win a prize, I did. Now I just have to prove I deserve it.
Angel makes us some breakfast and we eat outside. It’s so beautiful in his backyard that I seriously consider staying in this spot forever. I can feel myself relaxing, opening up to that possibility; can I be a forever girl for Angel? Does he deserve better than me? Definitely, but I also know I can become a better. I can be the girl that I used to be. The girl that Angel would love, could love. The girl that deserves more than what I allow myself now.
For the first time since I lost my old life, I feel like myself. I feel the walls inside of me cracking under his heated gaze. His hand grabs mine on top of the table, causing more pieces to crumble, and when he smiles the remaining pieces shatter. I’m completely vulnerable and I’ve never felt more alive. The only way I can describe the feeling that’s flowing through my veins, is by getting up and proving to everyone in my past that I’m not just a shell and live the life that keeps being given to me.
Chapter 10
There comes a point when you have to look back on your life and realize the only person to blame is yourself. It’s so easy to blame others for the horrific things that happened to you, but when you actually take the time to sit there and think about it, it’s you. The one common entity that all these events have in common is staring back at me.
I’ve never been fond of mirrors. Random, I know, but think about it. You can hide yourself from everyone by playing the part, dressing the part, hell you can hide yourself by believing you’re someone else. But when you stand in front of a mirror all you see is yourself. It’s a deeper connection than the one around you. Do you know why? I can tell you why, because I’ve played that part. I’ve put on a front for so long that I was consumed by the role. I became the role.
Before my sister and parents died I wasn’t the perfect teenager but I wasn’t this…mess that I’ve become. I was a straight A student in school, but not the nerdy girl. I was one of those girls who could fit in anywhere and everywhere. I was that girl you passed in the halls that always had a smile on her face. I was never popular but I didn’t lack friends either. I could sit anywhere and be happy. That all changed the day they left me here. I seem to get lost in thoughts about the past more often when Angel is around. I think it’s because he makes me feel safe. He asks me about what happened, about who I used to be, but I’m not ready to open up to him, not completely.
Angel thinks I need to go to a counselor to talk about the past, their deaths, about what happened to me in foster care, and about my addictions. He thinks that it will help me. He’s wrong. I can feel the itch every day, the insane need to drown it all away, to reach into the darkness and surrender myself to oblivion again. He says he understands, that it’s a process but I don’t think he grasps just how much I struggle. Angel’s been the
re. He’s a recovering addict. He wants me to open up to him and part of me wants that; the part that’s completely head over heels in love with him. But then there’s this whole other side of me. A side that craves his touch, his intense gazes that promise so much more, but that’s also the part of me I’m trying to lock away; the part of me that screams trouble. Trouble, that if released again, I won’t be able to control.
I’m staring at myself in the bathroom mirror. It’s 3 am and I’m fighting with my reflection. Each part of me is demanding to be brought to the surface. The one looking at me is the girl I used to be. She’s begging to be let out, to be more than a reflection. Then there’s me, the one in the here and now, the damaged one looking to take over completely. Fighting, always fighting, it’s like a never ending battle raging within me and I can’t stop it. I don’t know how to stop it, I don’t know if I want to. It’s a constant reminder that this is the path I chose. The path so off course that I don’t know if I can ever return to the original one. I didn’t leave bread crumbs like Hansel and Gretel, although those didn’t work out well for them either.
I walk out of the bathroom and go to the bookcase to look for a book. I can see I’m not going to be going back to bed anytime soon, so I might as well do something productive, in an attempt to get my mind off of the war raging within. Running my fingers over the bindings of the books, head tilted to the right reading the spines, I come to this worn blue book. It looks completely out of place with the others. Where they look new, you can tell this one is old. It has no writing on the spine, so I pull it out to see what it is. Inscribed on the front, in the most beautiful cursive I have ever seen is the word Divinity. Completely intrigued to find out what this book is about, I head over to the lamp by the bean bag, turn it on, and collapse into the soft material. .